Tuesday, October 04, 2011

Robbers Protest Homeowners

I was thinking today about how ironic it was that the Wall Street Occupiers were protesting people who work. It's like robbers protesting homeowners. So I sat down and thought about what demands the Local Robbers Union would have for all of us, if they did decide to have such a protest. It's asinine and silly, but I needed to relieve stress from the dirty liberals. This is the last entry I'll write about the Wall Street bums. They'll go away if we stop talking about them and I won't donate any more of my blog to calling attention to them.

So without further adieu:

The Local Robbers' Union Demands for Homeowners

1) Home Security Systems must be turned off 20% of the time. It's not fair to have them on all the time and we are at a disadvantage. Homeowners can still have them on 80% of the time and that's more than enough. What are the chances we'll hit your house during the 20% of the time it's off anyways? No one needs it on more than 80% of the time.

2) Free health care. We constantly get injured while robbing your houses - cuts from the broken glass that we smashed in, jumping from second story windows when you come home unexpectedly and your dogs treating us like chew toys. Not to mention all the stress that's involved. It's not an easy job robbing houses and the least you guys can do for us is pay for our health care.

3) Nights and weekends. As previously stated, robbing houses is tough work. Robbers are people too and we deserve to have nights and weekends off. Please plan your vacations accordingly. We have families that we need to support, too. We don't always like sneaking into unfamiliar places in the middle of the night.

4) Vacation time. Robbing people blind is tough work and we deserve a few vacations a year. Of course, we wouldn't be robbers if we could afford those for ourselves, so you would need to provide (at minimum) 3 fully paid for vacations.

5) Robbery forgiveness. If by any chance you catch us in the action of robbing your house, then we need robbery forgiveness. Don't call the cops, don't shoot us with your gun, don't sick Fido on us. Just let us go and we won't steal any more of your stuff, but we get to keep the stuff we already loaded into the truck because it'd be a pain to unload it after we just got everything in there.

6) A 30 day return policy. If by any chance something was broken during the robbery, then we have up to 30 days to return it for a new one and you will upgrade us to a better one for free. If your items were not up to our standards (ex:  VCR instead of BluRay, cord phone instead of Iphone), you will provide us with an item of proper quality and mail it to us.

7) A fully stocked refrigerator. Robbers live life on the go and we don't always have time for a balanced meal. It would help if you kept ready-made, portable meals stocked in your fridge for us. Further more, we deserve an hour break for every 8 hours worked.

8) Wages. In robbery, some days are good; some days are bad. No one can expect to support a family on that kind of income, so we need a set wage per hour at least at minimum wage. (This does not include the items we take from you. Those are counted as tips and are not taxable)

9) Car insurance. Not at robbers have cars, but some of us do. It'd be nice if you'd provide us with that as well. Our cars get a lot of damage from high-speed car chases away from the cops and from being in a general rush all the time.

10) Remove Home Security Ads. Take them down. They are degrading to our profession and are very prejudice. We do not wear stripes or always dress in black. Not all of us are brutes who can kick down doors and very few of us run at the sound of an alarm. But remember, if it makes you feel safer, you can still keep it on 80% of the time.

The Wall Street Occupiers

So we saw this movement start as a small protest, which laughably showed up on the wrong street on the first day. These dedicated souls promised to be out there for a month, if needed, to make sure their message was heard. It was then that we witness the ultimate irony: unemployed moochers protesting Wall Street workers.

I ventured to their website the other day - at the time I visited, they had 756 backers. Also noticed that somehow 756 people raised $30, 507 for their cause. Where do 756 unemployed moochers get that kind of money? It comes out to about $40. 35 for each person and that's just average! Heck, I'm one of the "evil rich" and all I could afford to send Herman Cain was $25. Another lesson in irony for you - just how are anti-capitalistic people obtaining that kind of dough?

Have you seen some of these videos from the rally? A bunch of people chanting what another person says. Warning: There's 8 minutes of it. I couldn't last longer than 2 minutes. Have to hand it to them - I can stomach to listen to Obama longer than that. There's another one, thankfully shorter and the guys actually does articulate his argument well... Although, he goes off the beaten path to blame the bad economy on Fox News and Conservative Billionaires. (Hey, I said it was easier to listen to... but not by much.)

And now, released today, their list of "demands". I can barely contain my excitement. Unfortunately, I'll only be able to share some gems with you, as I cannot possibly do justice to the whole list.

"Demand One: Restoration of a living wage. ... Minimum wage must be raised to twenty dollars an hour". Yes... that will get us back to work. So now instead of a business being able to afford 10 employees, he has to cut down to less than half because he needs to pay them $20 an hour.

"Demand Two: Single Payer Healthcare System". Yeah, yeah, yeah... Seems like this is a staple on every whiney, moocher liberal's list these days. You aren't getting it and we're making sure of that.

"Demand three: Guaranteed living wage income regardless of employment."  There are just no words. You want to be paid for not doing a job? Really? And who's going to pay it - the "Evil rich" (most likely)?? There's not enough money to go around! Did these people get allowances as a kid without doing any work? (probably)

"Demand four: Free college education."   Well, if anyone needs it, they do. They need some kind of education.

Make sure you are sitting down for this one. This one is my favorite:
"Demand eleven: Immediate across the board debt forgiveness for all. Debt forgiveness of sovereign debt, commercial loans, home mortgages, home equity loans, credit card debt, student loans and personal loans now! All debt must be stricken from the "Books." World Bank Loans to all Nations, Bank to Bank Debt and all Bonds and Margin Call Debt in the stock market including all Derivatives or Credit Default Swaps, all 65 trillion dollars of them must also be stricken from the "Books." And I don't mean debt that is in default, I mean all debt on the entire planet period."
Wow, I can just tell that was written by an early 20-something, can't you? And yeah, we'll forgive your student loans. Just return your diplomas and give back all the things you learned.

But in all seriousness, those of us that went to college all have to pay for our education. How is it "fair" that you expect to get your debts forgiven when I had to pay for my schooling? Yes, college is expensive. That's life. I'm currently taking myself through flight school and paying is one of the worst parts. But if I walked in there and said that they should let me take free lessons, who is going to be there to teach me after the school goes under from lack of funds? Who will repair the planes when they need maintenance? How will we get gas in them to be able to get off the ground? These things cost money and no, I can't steal the money from an "evil rich" to pay for me. They don't want to go to flight school; I do. Therefore, it's my responsibility to pay for it. I don't expect them to take the knowledge from the textbooks and dump it into my head, and I don't expect them to dump money into my pockets. I need to pay for the services rendered. This is how the world works. Yes, it is hard - I know. But it will be worth it in the end. All of that hard work, all of that studying, all of that time and money put in will result in something that I'll be able to be proud of because I accomplished it. Think of "The Little Red Hen" story your Mom read you as a kid. She gathered all the materials, she spent all day in the kitchen, she baked and cleaned when everyone else was out having fun. When all was said and done, she was able to enjoy the pie that she put so much effort into making.

Hey, Moochers- I've got a solution for all of your asinine demands: GET A JOB. It'll solve all of them. Really, just look:

1) Living wage of $20 an hour. This one is easy. You go to school, get a degree, and get a job. You either work your way up in this job or work until a better opportunity comes along. Follow these easy steps and you will get $20 an hour one day.

2) Health care. Cut out the fancy cell phone, cable and other things you don't need. Use that money to purchase health insurance while you are young. Take care of yourself so you get the lowest rate possible. Then go back to #1 and get a decent job. After awhile, you can sign up for the company's health plan and pay even less than you are now. You might even be able to afford cable and Iphones again!

3) Guarantee yourself a living wage, regardless of employment. I don't care if you are working at McDonald's or on Wall Street. Live within your means and you will always have a "living wage". Budget, save, build your skills, do whatever you can to make sure you are living comfortably no matter where you work.

4) Free college education - we have it. It's called a library and it's fantastic. You can learn about everything that you've ever wanted to know and it doesn't cost you a dime (unless you return a book late).

Another way to learn skills for free - volunteer. They are so happy that people are willing to show up that they are willing to teach you anything.

11) With your spanking new job, snazzy new health insurance and free new skills you learned at the library and volunteering, you can now afford to pay back all of your student loans. Easy, right?

Moral of the story: Go out and earn your own money. Use your drive and enthusiasm towards getting a job and working hard at it, rather than wasting that energy on complaining about what others have that you don't. You can take all the money from me that you want and you will never be happy until you earn your own.