I was thinking today about how ironic it was that the Wall Street Occupiers were protesting people who work. It's like robbers protesting homeowners. So I sat down and thought about what demands the Local Robbers Union would have for all of us, if they did decide to have such a protest. It's asinine and silly, but I needed to relieve stress from the dirty liberals. This is the last entry I'll write about the Wall Street bums. They'll go away if we stop talking about them and I won't donate any more of my blog to calling attention to them.
So without further adieu:
The Local Robbers' Union Demands for Homeowners
1) Home Security Systems must be turned off 20% of the time. It's not fair to have them on all the time and we are at a disadvantage. Homeowners can still have them on 80% of the time and that's more than enough. What are the chances we'll hit your house during the 20% of the time it's off anyways? No one needs it on more than 80% of the time.
2) Free health care. We constantly get injured while robbing your houses - cuts from the broken glass that we smashed in, jumping from second story windows when you come home unexpectedly and your dogs treating us like chew toys. Not to mention all the stress that's involved. It's not an easy job robbing houses and the least you guys can do for us is pay for our health care.
3) Nights and weekends. As previously stated, robbing houses is tough work. Robbers are people too and we deserve to have nights and weekends off. Please plan your vacations accordingly. We have families that we need to support, too. We don't always like sneaking into unfamiliar places in the middle of the night.
4) Vacation time. Robbing people blind is tough work and we deserve a few vacations a year. Of course, we wouldn't be robbers if we could afford those for ourselves, so you would need to provide (at minimum) 3 fully paid for vacations.
5) Robbery forgiveness. If by any chance you catch us in the action of robbing your house, then we need robbery forgiveness. Don't call the cops, don't shoot us with your gun, don't sick Fido on us. Just let us go and we won't steal any more of your stuff, but we get to keep the stuff we already loaded into the truck because it'd be a pain to unload it after we just got everything in there.
6) A 30 day return policy. If by any chance something was broken during the robbery, then we have up to 30 days to return it for a new one and you will upgrade us to a better one for free. If your items were not up to our standards (ex: VCR instead of BluRay, cord phone instead of Iphone), you will provide us with an item of proper quality and mail it to us.
7) A fully stocked refrigerator. Robbers live life on the go and we don't always have time for a balanced meal. It would help if you kept ready-made, portable meals stocked in your fridge for us. Further more, we deserve an hour break for every 8 hours worked.
8) Wages. In robbery, some days are good; some days are bad. No one can expect to support a family on that kind of income, so we need a set wage per hour at least at minimum wage. (This does not include the items we take from you. Those are counted as tips and are not taxable)
9) Car insurance. Not at robbers have cars, but some of us do. It'd be nice if you'd provide us with that as well. Our cars get a lot of damage from high-speed car chases away from the cops and from being in a general rush all the time.
10) Remove Home Security Ads. Take them down. They are degrading to our profession and are very prejudice. We do not wear stripes or always dress in black. Not all of us are brutes who can kick down doors and very few of us run at the sound of an alarm. But remember, if it makes you feel safer, you can still keep it on 80% of the time.